Forgiveness

He said sorry. But I don't know...it's not like when it happens once it won't happen again. I know too much about humans to be fooled like that. The mechanisms that are there initially will always be there. And it's not my job to change someone else. Everyone is capable of doing that for themselves. I should know.

So what of forgivenesss? Do I say it's fine? Does me forgiving it mean I'm saying it's okay? Because it's not. Like right now, I am quite aware of my anger surrounding this, but I am remaining even at all costs. I HAVE to. For me. Because it's not worth giving into rage to sublimate someone else's. I expect the same from everyone. And not some overly even-keeled, heavy on the grave intonations, under the surface kind of anger plays, either. Those are SO obvious. It's still anger. And it's insulting.

I love him. I know this. But just saying that it's forgiven (his expectation after the apology), 20 minutes after the words had left his bile spitting mouth...I don't know. Seems unlikely that most people who consider themselves sound of self-esteem would be "okay" with it.

I suppose what's really going on with me right now, my neck stress twisting up, is that I'm disappointed. In love. Maybe it IS just about getting down in the shit with someone, like he says. And maybe I just don't care to if that's the nature of it.