FOR MY BROTHER

badgers

this still makes my nephew laugh his little rump off...and me frankly. It may annoy you though proceed with caution.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE!!!!!!!!!

I think I'm in for some vodka tonics and karaoke celebration tonight with my friend Mike. I think I have bought him the perfect gift. Will get back to you all to see if he liked it.

Okay....So i've always suspected I nurtured an inner geek. Much too cool in highschool to admit it, but now I am noticing this burgeoning geekdom, full fledged... In fact I even can report some frequently disturbing feelings of geekempathy for the nerdier folks of our fair planet. Maybe it's just my ultimate rejection of all things George Bush (read:STUPID) but I found myself wondering whatever the hell happened to everyone's favorite whiny StarTrekker Will Wheaton. Okay. To be honest I was looking up stuff on Joss Wheadon and spelled his name wrong. And I found this. I think maybe someone should send him a bunt cake. I'm feeling very worried for him. Poor Will

CHILL

Probably the most annoying thing someone can say to me (especially if I'm really on a rant-roll) is to CHILL. Or RELAX. For some reason, when someone says this to me I turn into She Hulk . I treat it like a slap in the face, because what it means is that whatever I'm pissed off at doesn't deserve my venomous rage. And who's to say it doesn't???!!!! I think the 'relax' thing happens to a lot of women. Maybe our rage scares people. Or maybe we just spend our energy getting upset over nothing. I dunno. What I do know is that nothing makes a pissy woman a rage-o-holic (you know adicted to rage-ohol!...God Bless Homer)faster than the word 'relax'. Seriously, gents try it on your woman and see her go from pissy to BITCHTASTIC in 60 seconds. (Use with caution)

(No boyfriends were harmed in the making of this blog)

A CREEP by any other name

My job. O.K., I'm not going to be like that retarded flight attendant who posed in her uniform on her blog and got her ass fired, but I' d like to tell you a little about my meaningless existence at work. I make coffee a lot. I answer the phone when the receptionist needs to pee or go shopping. I punched some holes in some documents today for this woman who apparently can't operate the complicated three hole punch. Did I mention I make coffee? Oh, and I get told when there's no more coffee. A lot.
This wasn't what I was told I would be doing. I was told this was a junior position as a marketing coordinator that could quickly become a senior position. Sure, maybe if my boss LET me do any writing or marketing or schmoozing...but she doesn't. The woman tells me to email her copies of the memos to announce when I am going to clean out the revolting remains that our purile clientele leave in the fridge. She wants to correct my FRIDGE MEMOS!
Needless to say it is a paycheck. A really, really small one, but a paycheck nonetheless. You see, I try to focus on the fact that I'm enrolled in a Translation certificate course and have a semblance of a social life (wait...scratch that, I suppose watching Lost on my couch doesn't count as a social life) to keep myself from going AWOL with horse tranquilizers and a bottle of Vodka.

However, my job has taken an icky turn of late.

I began to receive emails from one of our clients, which at first I took as harmless because my email is readily available to any of our clients who wish to bother the hell out of me. Initially, he asked me out for lunch and I actually thought it was to offer me a job with his company. You see, I work at an executive office or business centre (which is Latin for 'alternative address so the feds can't find me') and we have several different kinds of companies that rent office space with us. His company had actually hired other girls who had worked here and he had made an encouraging comment to my boss about my work when I first started. I'm thinkin', "Great! He must want to interview me for a very special position." Well he did. Just not the one I was hoping for.
The fellow in question wears a yarmulke and is married with FOUR kids. I thought, harmless! Then I get an email from a very gross handle name and thinking it's spam I almost delete it until I notice that it is from yarmulke wearing gent, his name in bold in the subject line saying "it's me!" This is my first inkling of willies-inducing behaviour.
I start to make excuses as to why I can't go to lunch.
The other day when I was stuck at the reception desk answering the busy phone line, he came over to say hello and asked how I was doing. I replied the standard, "Fine. I'm bored", to which short, hunched over, pasty, yarmulke wearing bloke says "WELL, we'll just have to get you excited then."
GROSSED OUT YET? 'CAUSE I AM!!!
Then, from a very reputable source, (namely, the chiquita it happened to) I am told a story about this particular dude, who during a meeting concerning his non payment of the rent, produces a folder containing comprimising pictures of her. The pictures were taken under the veil of understanding and the 'open' relationship this woman has with her husband for use on an adult chat site. He leaned over the table just before their meeting was finished and said "Are these you?". Understandably the woman was floored and, I imagine, felt pretty freakin violated to have this cretin throw the pictures in her face. He said "Oh, are you alright?" And she, trying hard to make light of the situation and probably of the urge to kick his ass, said "I think I need a drink." So scumbag offers to take her for a drink.

And here I was thinking he wasn't the TYPE to be trolling the Adults Personals circuit!

Needless to say what follows gives me a small amount of pleasure, since he has not stopped emailing me, asking me if I use Instant Messaging, either at work or at home (!) and I'm not sure what I should do. The woman's husband should be awarded the husband blue ribbon, because he called up the dirtbag and threatened his sorry life with a finesse I'm told will go down in history.

What's a girl to do?

Fall is officially here and I have lost all my clothes.

I know I packed them away in bags to make room for my menial summer wardrobe and now I have no idea where the hell they are. I have no pants except a pair of jeans, which I cannot wear to work, no sweaters and my shoes (and bank account) have holes in them. Très, très SAD. Guess it' s time to break out the brown paper bag and rusted tiara.

Goddamned Canadian Geese

So I heard them two days ago. Honking their little feathered asses off right above my head. Walking down a street near our apartment, I noticed a guy on his veranda holding a cup of coffee, who, upon hearing those harbingers of 'hiver' sighed and turned back into his apartment, exclaiming to someone inside...'Les maudites oies sont parties!' The geese have gone south
My heart fell. Fuck. It's over.
And today is so grey and wet and miserable, I feel like hibernating for the winter. (Ain't no way I'm going south with all the damn hurricanes). I'm gonna find myself a nicely lit cave and curl up with a book and my iPod Shuffle. Yah, that's right. Screw winter in its ear.

Michael Moore Honorary Canadian

Can I ask a question? I mean I know he has an abnormally big mouth, but where the hell are OUR documentary filmmakers with their fervour against the CBC lockout? Picketing maybe? I vote to make Moore an honorary Canadian. At least for the sake of us having SOMEONE in this country's media speaking out about the lockout or at least trying to figure out the details of the conflict, which have been vague at best. (Maybe those reporters are picketing too).

Also, he could TOTALLY pass for a lumberjack.


TORONTO (CP) - Famed American documentarian Michael Moore demandedFriday that the CBC drop plans to air this weekend his Academy Award-winning film, Bowling for Columbine, because of the month-longlockout at the public broadcaster."I do not want my film being broadcast on the network unless it iswilling to let its own workers back in to work and promises tobargain with them in good faith," Moore said in a statement Friday."CBC has locked out its union workers, an action that is abhorrent toall who believe in the rights of people to collectively bargain. Whythe great and honourable CBC is behaving like an American corporationis beyond me."Bowling for Columbine, an examination of America's obsession withguns and violence, is scheduled to air Sunday night on CBC and aspokesman for the broadcaster said the documentary will be showndespite Moore's objections."We've promoted the film heavily and our audiences are expecting itto be on," said Jason MacDonald. "We will broadcast it."Moore won an Oscar for best documentary for the film in 2003.He used his acceptance speech at the Oscar ceremony as an opportunityto launch a broadside against President George W. Bush and hisparticipation in the war in Iraq, which had been launched only a fewdays earlier.

Crazy called they want their straight jacket back

This just in...


Frank wrote:
Ok. I will keep all this in mind next time you seem excited about the
opportunity to create a "demo" for a career in the entertainment industry that
you do not want. Good luck with your future auditions.

I am not pissed (you are projecting again)...I am disappointed in you for
wasting my time. For some reason I excepted better professional behavoir from
you. Silly me I guess.


-F

I wrote:
Yes keep it in mind. Please do. Have a beautiful day.


(I'm telling you , Yoga, maybe meditation...)

And I wrote to English boyfriend:
Get a load of this load. HA!

English boyfriend wrote:
Huh??? This guy seems a little bit weird…..that my English sense of understatement kicking in…..WTF??? Has this guy been reading another set of emails, after sniffing solvent? I really don’t understand what his problem is….

Woe is me. All of a sudden the entertainment industry lies in this guy's basement.

I AM FLY PAPER FOR FREAKS

Just thought I'd let you all in on a little messed up email converstion that happened recently. I think I must give off some sort of funky vibe, because this has been the most fucked up week as far as sketchy inter personal relations go. I've changed names (OR HAVE I?) to protect the innocent.


Hey ,

I now have a studio at my basement, and I could use someone to do lots of> > > producing/sound editing/voicing Let me know if you are interested in unsupervied work for the experience of it-Frank

Quoting me: It would actually be fantastic because I'm searching for some way to make a demo for myself. Let me know whenever, though I am busy, and we'll chat>

FRANK. wrote:> > Hi > >> > My number is 384-*****. call me tonight at 8 pm, and we can discuss the> > details.> > If you can a car, come on over, and you can see the studio for yourself,> and> > maybe we can arrange for you to be there when I am out.> >> > -F>
Quoting me :>> > Hey Frank,> >> > I have a class tonite until ten of ten. Could I ring you tomorrow
FRANK wrote:>> Tomorrow night, same time, 8 pm.> -F

FRANK wrote
It’s 8 :20…WHERE are you?

Quoting me:
As much as I appreciate the offer...I think I'll pass...I don't appreciate your tone. At all.
I had an audition last night and didn't get home until after midnight...My phone was practically dead and my boyfriend was a much more important phone call.

FRANK wrote:Hey You have a great voice, and so much potential, but I can see why you have not advanced to where you should be. Other people might be to intimidated to tell you what you need to hear, even if you don't want to hear it. Go ahead and be pissed off. That's ok. If you don't know it now, you will come to it later,the realization, that deep down inside, you have enough talent to know I am right.> ...Tone?...Do you always sabotage your own career like this?That's ok. I don't appreciate scheduling time for a call (a time Yourequested)and having my time wasted. I had arranged for you to get paid tutoring on sound editing software Wavelab (out of my own pocket) for theinternship, a guarenty that it would air on at least 1 FM station in Vancouver,and at least 3 internet stations. You blew it.>.You asked for a date and time, and you screwed up on your scheduling. That is your problem. You made it my problem. Those excuses may work in other areas ofyour life, but in this industry, with me, those excuses are a dime a dozen. Don't project your irresponsiblity into the "tone" of others because you cannot get it together. Your low self esteem has no business in your careerbuilding.-Frank

Hey Frank,
Um career? I think you have me mistaken with someone else. I have absolutely no intention of pursuing a CAREER in radio. So instead of making comments about something you know nothing about, namely me, perhaps in the future you will ask questions instead of barking orders.
And you arranged WHAT?!?! Did I ask you to do that? And now your pissed and feel like hurling insults...fine, but before you tell me what I blew or what I sabotaged, perhaps you should have asked what My intentions for MYself were. Last time I checked, you weren't the one responsible for my career; in fact you haven't even said BOO to me in like four or five months and now, what, JUMP? Worry about your own 'career' bitterness, you obviously need to.
Maybe invest in some Yoga classes.
The comments you made here are uninformed and knee jerk, so you'll pardon me if I don't take you at all seriously. Me and my low self-esteem are going to go get a coffee now and ponder my extreme talent.


OKAY...AM I crazy or is this guy probably building bombs in his basement as well? Why does every Tom, Dick and Dickhead think they're important cause they have an internet radio station? Yippee. I'm pretty sure I caught an episode of Aunt Mary's Community Bake Sale Radio last week...the nuts were not just in the recipes, if you know what I'm saying.

DON'T RUN!!! FINKS!! ALL OF YOU!!!

People are finks. The more I read about or hear stories of people lying and cheating, the more I would like to throw in the proverbial towel. It is completely draining to have to listen to friends talk about their finkish behaviour and truly disturbing to see how little it seems to bother them. Plus you get to thinking if you could possibly be the victim of some such fink yourself.
I'm no Preachy Patricia (Doppleganger of Patricia the Stripper) and I'm all for liberation, sexual or otherwise, but have I gone completely MAD?
Marriage, right? Have and hold, richer and poorer, sickness and health, blah, blah, blah. Maybe they should have included something about boredom and excitement. It seems to me most of what my lying fink friends have in common is that they are bored with their current partner or spouse. They say they LOVE their significant others but for some significant reason or other have lost the spark that they once had. Guess we are all just thrill seeking cousins of the ape, then, because I thought people had the forethought enough to anticipate this eventuality and LIVE WITH IT. Everything can't be all good all the time. And for fuck sake why do people want it to? That's having your cake, eating it and not paying a cent for the ingredients!
Why do finks suddenly appear everytime marriage is near? Sure there are people for whom marriage is a cozy little greenhouse, but for the most part it's a ceremony with very little impact on the partners' responisibility guage. The words don't mean diddly to most people. Just words, just promises, easily broken. People say it's human nature. CRAP! Human nature should be something that capitalises on our ability to think ahead, empathise, explain. Those are, after all, human characteristics. When people say human nature, what they mean is ANIMAL nature. Plus, it's a godamned cop out. It says that the finks of the world can't help themselves, and well, maybe, shouldn't have to. I get that we may not be designed for monogamy. Men, biologically at least, are said to look for several mates for whom to act as seed receptors, whereas women tend to jones for the one mate deal. O.K.. We also used to shit in holes in the woods and clobber each other with truncated tree limbs (that is before we invented the wheel and then could run each other over).
But so then why marriage? Did you just want to wear a pretty dress and have a party, because it's much cheaper and relatively easy to declare some Friday night your own personal holiday and booze it up in a tiara. At least then it's not a foregone conclusion who you are going to be sleeping with that evening. Makes it a little more exciting.
Or maybe you're married because you are traditional, as one particular fellow explained to me, with his hand on my bare knee. These finks are particularly offputting and some (like this particular one) even go as far as to say cheating saves marriages. BOLLOCKS!!! How can you not rot on the insides knowing you are doing the dirty on someone you supposedly love? If you can't or don't rot, then there is something seriously WRONG.
This is where the danger lies. It's a sort of desensitisation to our moral compass.. If you make yourself not care, either cause 'every body's doin it' or you reason that you aren't doing any harm, don't you eventually numb the responisibilty right outta your system, teach yourself it's actually okay? It ceases to exist then, doesn't it? We might actually be de-evolving! Think of it...Our brains are powerful little super computers that carry great influence....what if we end up passing on an underdeveloped moral sense to our next generation? We all hear of some freaks that are born without the sense of right and wrong, people who end up killing and end up in mental wards; why not people born with no loyalty?
Of course I'm being facetious, but I worry about people who say there is nothing wrong with finkdom. It's a convenient way to reason selfishness and it doesn't admit what is really going on. What is going on is essentially the expression of our crippling fear of being alone and unimportant. Which of course is all about our fear of death.
What really gets my beehive in a buzz is that the finks think only of themselves, not the new world disorder they are chain reacting with their indiscretions. With all they're protests that it cannot be wrong to feel so good, what IS it they propose? Every body screwing every body? Free love? Okay then, sounds good...I'll have some of that! Tricky thing to manoever though, when that pesky HUMAN NATURE comes into it. Ya know? My favorites are jealousy, rage, gluttony...

BREAKING POINT- THE CBC DOCUMENTARY THAT MADE ME CRY LIKE A CHILD

After the frustration of having to try and explain my contradictory feelings last night about the 1995 referendum in Québec to my boyfriend, who hails from Jolly Ole England, I went to bed. I was feeling very confused. Of course he was right; one second I'm cursing any muther who has the cojones to try and break up my kick-ass country and then the next I'm expressing a preternatural understanding of why Montréal Francophones wanted to strangle the maple leaves off the 'we love you Québec' protesters/well wishers from across Canada come to save our souls. What the hell was my problem?
Maybe it's because I think I understand a little of what drives the Separatist movement. Maybe 'understand' is a little strong, but I suppose I empathise with the fear of having one's culture slowly crushed by a more dominant or influencial one. Try being an Anglo where I live in Montréal. (Not that there's anything wrong with it...)
Not that I actually believe, as some clearly do, that Québecois culture is as weak and without defence as to require such grand protection. It is not, let's just say, as vulnerable as First Nations culture, by any means. We've really fucked them!
I mean, Québec culture has some pretty powerful and deep pocketed white-hairs running the show to make sure they don't go the way of the Dodo. Plus, as far as I can see the biggest threat to Québecois culture is the United States of America, not Enlgish Canada. I find it absurd that these little renegade 'patriotes' (small fucking p) running around Montréal with their flags and reminiscing about the Plains of Abraham are the same kids I see wearing Von Bitch t-shirts. The kids with the OUI patches still stuck to their backpacks are listening to maudite Britney Spears not Beau Dommage!

Hey, listen up, it's not YOUR culture in danger...it's ALL culture in danger!

Should we not be working on this (gasp) together? Yah. Just as soon as we stop hating each others' guts, I guess, right?