With friends like these...

"So you thought that getting sober,
would mean your life was over,
I don't think it's that bad
I don't think it's that sad."
The Cardigans-Feathers and Down.


I can tell you only one thing this morning...I hate bills. I hate the fact that a big chunk of my paycheque goes to the government and then they ask me for more when tax time comes. Chris Rock said the government is like a crack addict with money....like WHY the fuck don't they just take it from me all at once instead of , "Dude, yah..uh, we're gonna need some more money...we gotta paint the Pentagon."Okay so maybe Chris Rock didn't use the word Dude.

And, okay so we don't have a Pentagon to paint, but what the fuck ARE my taxes going to? How is it that EVERY year my parents, (my father who is retired and gives more money to charity than he can afford)owe this stinking government thousands upon thousands of dollars?

Artistic people get fucked, boy. Friends of mine who are singers, comedians, actors, they live on a pittance and then are asked to shell out more. I don';t even have time to do what I love because I'm too busy working in a shitty company for a shitty wage five days a week. What happened to my plan of marrying a rich benfactor? Any benefactors out there? Maybe my man could find a sugar momma.

Christ I don't mind paying for roads and public transportation and schools...but IS that where my money is going? The roads fucking SUCK in Montreal...The city is atrociously filthy, english schools seem to be disapearing, university tuitions are going up, up and away, they fucking gouge the poor bastards like me who have to take the metro and bus by hiking the prices EVERY year without fail for a service that seems to be getting WORSE. My man can't get a job here and he's the smartest person I know...why? Cause he can't speak French. He's from FUCKING ENGLAND ASSHOLES! I fucking hate this province this morning...Also cause I woke to the sounds of my Franco neighbor banging his Anglo girlfriend..(really, PUHleeze girl, overacting is a sin)

So I paid the rent and I've paid (most) of the bills and I have $57.03 until two weeks from now when I get paid again. Kraft dinner, oh Canadian University student staple you are beckoning my name. How do you convince a Brit that Kraft dinner is really, really good? Make it with Spam? God, we're fucked.

I have made one decision for 2007. I don't know when or how I'll do it yet...just something I've been throwing around in my head. I am going to get over my fear of performing this year. I am going to put togeher a standup routine and head on down to the amateur night at the club...one of these days. Just to say I did it...Just to live in that absolutely paralyzing fear and come out the other end. I vow it to you all right now. Let's hope I don't stink the place up TOO bad. God KNOWS i have a big mouth and the insecurity required for standup. Just want to do something akin to skydiving without getting in a plane.

"Hangups, let downs,
backbreaks, setbacks,
natural,
fact is,
oh honey that
I can't pay my taxes
It make me wanna holler and throw up
both my hands, Oh it make me wanna holler
and throw up both my hands"
Marvin Gaye -Inner City Blues

Yah I know...NObody's gonna buy me, a girl from the suburbs as a anyone with Inner city blues...But FUCK. Chicken's gotta try...and the fucking sky is falling this morning.

There's the bank, there's the bus, there's the bar

Today is one of those rare days, one that stings my eyes from the surprise of it. I feel calm.

(I just wrote clam by accident there and it made me think, clam IS the exact opposite of calm for me. It's what I do! I clam up and grit my teeth, and it feels like I've got sand in my belly. I suppose I'm not spitting out any pearls though. Nope. Definitely not.)

Anyway, of course my job sucks, of course, I'm broke, of course the people at work are cold and whispery. But I truly don't give a shit today. That feels really good. That is a first.

HA! ...ain't no flies on me, ain't no flies on me.....

Lovesong For Nobody

I drew the covers up tight this morning
Not wanting the dream of you to escape
But morning took the stage
and there was a bus to catch

I imagined my life without this morning,
I imagined my life without you

I tried to read, this book that is yours
to shut bus talk and cell phone shouts out
but I held it and felt your hands
and my head swam with things you've said

I imagined my life without you this morning
I imagined my life without you

An office is a cold place
with whispers and scrolling computer screens
I need music to lull me into work or else
but on the radio the music is our song and I'm back

..Imagining my life without you,
imagining my life without you,
And I can live without you...I just don't want to