Ready, set...Christmas!

Maybe it's because I've been discussing xmas music since july, but up until a few days ago I was not, shall we say, in the spirit of the season. But I dunno...it was snowing a few minutes ago and from my office window it looks like a snowglobe outside and I guess I got a wee case of the warm fuzzies.
Plus I just booked my flight back to Montreal and it is not nearly as pricey as I thought it was going to be. A relief. I will be there for long enough to take in the tree, the food, the kids and some mommy pampering and not long enough for me to want to pull my hair out. Prrrrrrrrrrfect.

Tea for one?

I'm so tired. I am so tired of fighting. I am so tired of being wrong all the time. I thought things would get better. Now better just means I keep my mouth shut, that I get used to keeping my mouth shut

life is weird. Nuff said

I am slowly going crazy, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 6 switch!

Today is one of those days. You know the ones. You are totally unmotivated because you haven't come to terms with the fact that it's Monday. Even worse, realising it's not Monday but Tuesday, after the Labour Day weekend. My brain is still on Queen Street in the 30 degrees, watching unions parade down the street, beeseeching not-sure-who to keep manufacturing jobs in Canada, or to Free Palestine, or to celebrate Tommy Douglas' legacy.

My brain is not in this body that is sitting in this office chair at my job that has yet to lose its lustre. I am as shocked as you by that statement, believe me. I'm not sure what to do with a job I can't complain about. Regardless, I am unmotivated today. I have project plans staring me in the face that I barely understand, because my brain is still singing and laughing at Superbad. Wake the fuck up brain. Seriously, I don't have time for this. It's also impossible to work when one of my office mates insists on being the loudest person on the floor out of shear over-achieveing salespersonship. Clearly, she doesn't understand that I am not awake yet. I don't anticipate being awake till noon.

Gawd, I don't want to be here today. I think it's already a write off. But I plan to come in on Saturday (wait, who said that?!).

50 ways to leave my employer

Good God. It's all happening kids...I am moving to Toronto (just threw up in my mouth a little) and I finally have a date when I can tell this environmental hazard of a company to cram their job up their bums. Thing is...I'm probably like a week a way from being able to take sick days and I'm full of wonder about when I should actually tell these jokers that I'm leaving. Do I take a coupla sick days paid and then tell them? Is that wrong? I mean of course it's wrong, but should I do it? Yah righto. Well, I can still fantasize about it anyway...

So right...on to bigger and better? Bigger certainly, better I'm not so sure. It's just a strange feeling to be about to move to the city that usually accompanies the word suck somewhere in my meanderings about it. I feel like a fraud. I'm going to have to be a Habs fan in Leafville..WTF? And I'd like to be able to say that I couldn't get worse than this job but I know for a fact that as soon as you say something like that the universe is out to prove you wrong.

Who knows? This could be really great for me. There is a great music scene...writing opportunities actually exist...I could sing and write...and STARVE. We'll see ....just may have to take the 9 to 5 while I figure out where I need to be and who I need to talk to to get my LIFE started. Steve Jobs didn't go to university and look where he is now...Or maybe I'll go back to school...God, who am I kidding? I feel like a failure already and I've got to get straight with those laws of attraction before I go or else I could get lost in that big 'ole city. Yehaw.

Is there a 12 step group for Facebook?

I have a new addiction. No I won't be selling my furniture (okay, just to clear it up I never did that) to support my habit, but it has become a serious concern. I check it like, every two minutes to see if someone has written on my "wall" or asked to be my friend. This is grave stuff for a co-dependant.

My other addiction is complaining about my job. It is a hundred ways to useless because there is NOTHING I can do about its total sucktitude. I have to have a job right now.

Aside from this everything (while, yes still expensive) is actually quite good. The man has been offered a job in Toronto and we quite possibly could be moving. It is truly like I am living with another person. He EVEN offered to give me a back rub when I came home from work the other day. WTF? WHO are you and what have you done with my boyfriend( ...Oh and since you're there could you feed the cat?) ? I guess this just proves how rough his not working thing has been on him. But wow, when the wind stops blowing...(Ok so the back rub never officially happened, it really IS the thought that counts... low expectations much?)

Anyway, I feel a change in the air. Even though the air is full of blowing snow right now and I could cry at the sight of it...things are okay today. And you?

Tired. Oh so very tired. Not a bad day really. Nothing to report. At all. Don't know why I bothered. Brain hurt. She Hulk say buh bye.

Tuesday I'm in love...or was that friday?

Kay Helllllllo???? Tomorrow is Wednesday. Already Wednesday. Yah, crap it's also Valentine's Day and a big 'ole suck my left one to Valentine's Day. It never happens the way I want it to...so I've given up. Just a stoopid Hallmark Holiday to sell shit. Or at least that's the line I use every year. Well it's the line I used when I was single. AND YAH, I'M NOT.

THIS year the man is (yes, it IS on Saturday not tomorrow, but STILL...) going with a friend to see wrestling...some Valentine's SmackDown where they advertise the night with a bloody fist holding a heart ripped from someone's chest. AWESOME, dude. Well I hope they have fun. And to all you ladies shaking your head...yah.... so am I.

Good day to you. I SAID GOOD DAY!

How many jobs must a girl walk through...?

I can't help it. I can't bleeping well help that I hate my job. I remember when they asked "So, what's your interest in database marketing?" in the interview and my face went blank. HOW do you answer that question? "Um, minimal, thank you very much."

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Kay, feel better now.


Well, not really, but I'm going to fool myself. Fool myself into believing that my life isn't a pit. I just got an email from a friend who has a new album she's releasing and I had to steel myself against my overwhelming envy. Really ugly colour that envy. Baby-shit green with envy...that's me! But I can't help it...this is absurd. And the girl I work for doesn't seem to realise the inherent irony of giggly quoting "Office Space" and then being the Database Printing Gestapo. I want to cry. But I'll try not to.


shame on me.

With friends like these...

"So you thought that getting sober,
would mean your life was over,
I don't think it's that bad
I don't think it's that sad."
The Cardigans-Feathers and Down.


I can tell you only one thing this morning...I hate bills. I hate the fact that a big chunk of my paycheque goes to the government and then they ask me for more when tax time comes. Chris Rock said the government is like a crack addict with money....like WHY the fuck don't they just take it from me all at once instead of , "Dude, yah..uh, we're gonna need some more money...we gotta paint the Pentagon."Okay so maybe Chris Rock didn't use the word Dude.

And, okay so we don't have a Pentagon to paint, but what the fuck ARE my taxes going to? How is it that EVERY year my parents, (my father who is retired and gives more money to charity than he can afford)owe this stinking government thousands upon thousands of dollars?

Artistic people get fucked, boy. Friends of mine who are singers, comedians, actors, they live on a pittance and then are asked to shell out more. I don';t even have time to do what I love because I'm too busy working in a shitty company for a shitty wage five days a week. What happened to my plan of marrying a rich benfactor? Any benefactors out there? Maybe my man could find a sugar momma.

Christ I don't mind paying for roads and public transportation and schools...but IS that where my money is going? The roads fucking SUCK in Montreal...The city is atrociously filthy, english schools seem to be disapearing, university tuitions are going up, up and away, they fucking gouge the poor bastards like me who have to take the metro and bus by hiking the prices EVERY year without fail for a service that seems to be getting WORSE. My man can't get a job here and he's the smartest person I know...why? Cause he can't speak French. He's from FUCKING ENGLAND ASSHOLES! I fucking hate this province this morning...Also cause I woke to the sounds of my Franco neighbor banging his Anglo girlfriend..(really, PUHleeze girl, overacting is a sin)

So I paid the rent and I've paid (most) of the bills and I have $57.03 until two weeks from now when I get paid again. Kraft dinner, oh Canadian University student staple you are beckoning my name. How do you convince a Brit that Kraft dinner is really, really good? Make it with Spam? God, we're fucked.

I have made one decision for 2007. I don't know when or how I'll do it yet...just something I've been throwing around in my head. I am going to get over my fear of performing this year. I am going to put togeher a standup routine and head on down to the amateur night at the club...one of these days. Just to say I did it...Just to live in that absolutely paralyzing fear and come out the other end. I vow it to you all right now. Let's hope I don't stink the place up TOO bad. God KNOWS i have a big mouth and the insecurity required for standup. Just want to do something akin to skydiving without getting in a plane.

"Hangups, let downs,
backbreaks, setbacks,
natural,
fact is,
oh honey that
I can't pay my taxes
It make me wanna holler and throw up
both my hands, Oh it make me wanna holler
and throw up both my hands"
Marvin Gaye -Inner City Blues

Yah I know...NObody's gonna buy me, a girl from the suburbs as a anyone with Inner city blues...But FUCK. Chicken's gotta try...and the fucking sky is falling this morning.

There's the bank, there's the bus, there's the bar

Today is one of those rare days, one that stings my eyes from the surprise of it. I feel calm.

(I just wrote clam by accident there and it made me think, clam IS the exact opposite of calm for me. It's what I do! I clam up and grit my teeth, and it feels like I've got sand in my belly. I suppose I'm not spitting out any pearls though. Nope. Definitely not.)

Anyway, of course my job sucks, of course, I'm broke, of course the people at work are cold and whispery. But I truly don't give a shit today. That feels really good. That is a first.

HA! ...ain't no flies on me, ain't no flies on me.....

Lovesong For Nobody

I drew the covers up tight this morning
Not wanting the dream of you to escape
But morning took the stage
and there was a bus to catch

I imagined my life without this morning,
I imagined my life without you

I tried to read, this book that is yours
to shut bus talk and cell phone shouts out
but I held it and felt your hands
and my head swam with things you've said

I imagined my life without you this morning
I imagined my life without you

An office is a cold place
with whispers and scrolling computer screens
I need music to lull me into work or else
but on the radio the music is our song and I'm back

..Imagining my life without you,
imagining my life without you,
And I can live without you...I just don't want to