Would you like fries with that?

I started the waitressing job and it's actually not that bad. It's good honest work. It's hard work. I should be happy to have a job at all. I should be happy that I'm not working at McDonald's.

The friend of my father's who played my CD on his radio station wants to do an entire show on me. WTF, right? I'm supposed to give him some kind of background information on me and I've no idea what to tell him.

I can picture it..."So, what have you been doing for the past five years?"

"Well, Don, I've been getting drunk and high, encouraging the cops to come calling and basically sleepwalking through my life. Cheers."

Also, some old dude my parents know, who has played piano for Tony Bennett and Ertha Kitt, is coming to visit in November and he wants to play for me. He wants me to sing with him. He heard my CD and although he said he never wants to hear me sing Amazing Grace again (he's a Jazz standards kinda old dude), he wants to work with me.

I am full of fear about this one. Same ole fears, same ole crap... But I cannot and hopefully will not let another opportunity like this pass me by. I cannot move forward if I stay scared. Kay I have to be realistic...I probably will stay scared but I'll try real hard not to show it, okay?

I'm not sure exactly what it is that I am scared of...Maybe like I've said before about the world discovering that I am an imposter. My great fear...that people really figure me out and realise I'm not worth their time. A friend of mine (well, I call her a friend and I suppose she is, strange having a famous friend...) says that she still feels like that and that it's a natural part of being an artist. And she's successful. God, I'd be glad to be a goddamned wedding singer. No shit.



Alright...I have nothing else to whine about today kiddies.

SO many to choose from

I just spent a little time surfing around this blogger site to see if there was anything interesting out there.

Nope. All just as BO-ring as mine. People blogging about their weight struggles, their relationship struggles, their get rich schemes, their creepy hobbies...(dude, you know who you are, and it's just not right to be THAT in to Star Trek...) I thought I'd find some inspiration, ya know? Turns out I am just like all the rest, with no more ability to keep anyone's eyes locked on my page than the rest of them. So where does that leave me? Boring the masses( har, har) with my daily hole diggings? Onward!

I feel like I used to be more brave, funnier...Yes I was pissed off most of the time but it made good reading...now I feel like I've let people down with all this A.A., recovering alcoholic business. That's gotta bore the shit out of y'all. Frankly, it bores the shit out of me too. I got sober to live and now I don't know what the hell to do next.

I start a crappy waitressing job on Thursday, another crap job in a line of crap jobs and I'm feeling sorta lost. When I sang at my show in April, it was so clear. I have to sing. I have to do the things that I love. Fuck all y'all! I'm leaving on the next bus to New York, or the next flight to L.A. and I'm gonna scream in Fear's face and just do it. Right. Still here. Haven't sung in public since.

Some sound guy recorded that show and I have made copies and given them away to some friends and family. Everyone says I'm good. That I should just do it (No money has gone to Nike for the theft of their line..Ha!). My CD is playing on a small station in Halifax somewhere, because a friend of my parents' works there and the station head really liked a couple of tracks. My blog was used as a part of a multi media snippet on a television show called Zed. I auditioned for Canadian Idol, not really to be the next Canadian Idol (gag), but to overcome my fear of being judged. I DID stuff. Shit now all I can do is whine about how I get handed the shit end of the stick all the time and how I'm not APPRECIATED the way I think I should be by my boyfriend. Lame cop-out. God, no wonder nobody reads this thing. Where did all the hutzpah go?

I know I start to make myself feel like shit every time I take a job that I hate JUST to pay the bills because it feels as if I'm one more step AWAY from what I really want to do. AND I know that everytime I get close to verbalising what I really want to do, I get scared and say..."Oh well, this will do." When I took Creative Writing at Concordia University, I had a really scary teacher who would just crucify everyone's work in class. I was shit scared when my time was up and I had to present my work to her and the rest of the students. The day it was to be discussed in class I braced myself for the worst. She came into the class, looked me directly in the eyes and said "Your story was so good I nearly missed my stop on the bus".

I never went back to that class.

I have always had a problem with success. fear...that ugly, ugly thing that I can't seem to shake. I realise now that what I'm telling myself is..."If I do this and people like it, either they are a)wrong or b) they will eventually find out I am a fraud and the sucess will be gone anyway...so why get my hopes up?" This is so incredibly lame I can't believe it's true.

And then besides this insanity, my indecisiveness takes over. Well what is it that I really want to do? Is it to sing or is it to write? Which am I better at...?(OK...PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ON THE BASIS OF THIS BECAUSE I REALISE IT'S JUST INSANE RAMBLING) Which will bring me more? Should I just take another secretarial job five days a week that leaves me too tired to think or do anything else because I'm fooling myself if I think I can make a living at the things I love? And what of writer's block or of sore throats? I know I have to pay bills and eat...but should I be looking for a career? A career of serving other people, never feeling good enough and being talked down to by artless sexual harassing retards? Is this what I am supposed to do to be the good daughter, the good girlfriend, the good solid member of society? God I fucking hope not.